a "gentle"man

A "gentle"man came in for a smoking violation. After the matter was deposed of, the following nonchalant conversation occurred:

"gentle"man: Do you anyone that can help out with a murder case?

me: Who is charged with murder?

"gentle"man: me.

Stop-Motion Shit

This is an old story a co-worker related to me. He had a female respondent come in charged with public defecation, which is a (thankfully) pretty rare offense. Even weirder, there was a witness who had agreed to come in and testify against her.

Witness: I'm the head janitor at an elementary school. For the past month we've had a problem with piles of shit appearing on our baseball diamond. It'd be clean at night when I went home, but in the morning I'd come in and there'd be another pile. Finally, I got fed up and decided to hold a stake out to find out who was responsible. So I hid in the bushes with a camera. Sure enough, around midnight she showed up and I caught her! Look at these pictures! I caught her!

The witness' three pictures revealed somewhat-blurry stills of a bag lady. The first shot was her running out on the field, arms and legs frozen in an action pose. The second was of the same lady, pants down around her ankles, squatting on the baseball diamond. The third was another action shot of the respondent running away from a fresh pile left on the pitcher's mound.

He had some epiphanies just now...

This one is from another prostitution hearing a coworker had just now. It was a sting operation involving a cop dressed up as a prostitute, and a respondent who was none too quick on the uptake. Some choice quotes:

Respondent: Yeah, I've been recoverin' from a lot of things lately. My need for blowjobs is holdin' me back.

Later, also during his testimony:

Respondent: Wait a minute! The police officer is guilty too! She was offerin' sex for money!

The Ho Defense

While cross-examining a police officer who dressed as a prostitute during a hearing, a respondent tries a novel approach:

Respondent: Officer, was not your booty hanging out yo shorts? Was you not tryin' to look fine?

Dat azz

Yesterday during a prostitution hearing, the respondent found out that not only was the father of her child trying to pick up a prostitute in her car behind her back, but it was a transsexual prostitute. It only got worse from there:

Coworker: After he pulled up in his car, what did the man say to the prostitute?

Officer: He said verbatim,"How bout $20 for dat big ass?"

Judge: And what did you take "How about $20 for that big ass?" to mean?

Officer: Sex. Intercourse.

And that's when the cops swept in. "Get your hands off the tranny and slowly back away..."

She Lost Count

Today, one coworker reports talking to a woman on a cell phone ticket. The woman was trying her damndest to get out of paying, and in the middle of a her excuses:

Woman: I'm a mother of four. I mean three.

I might have told her, "If it was four kids, I'd have let you off. But three? That's one too few."

New Developments In Urination Technology

Today a coworker relates a story of a homeless man charged with public urination. The man explained that he's not guilty because he was peeing into a plastic bag, the same kind a newspaper comes in, and not onto the street. Thus it's not public urination. He pulled out a bag to demonstrate.

Hobo: You see, I pee into bag. Then, I dump bag into sewer. Then I throw bag out.

Coworker: Is that the bag you peed into?

Hobo: No, this one is for today.

In a moment of glorious irony, he won his hearing because the judge agreed with his argument that peeing into a bag is not 'in public'. So now you've got another option for when you really have to go but can't find a public bathroom. I call it the "Poor Man's Astronaut."