A "gentle"man came in for a smoking violation. After the matter was deposed of, the following nonchalant conversation occurred:
"gentle"man: Do you anyone that can help out with a murder case?
me: Who is charged with murder?
"gentle"man: me.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Stop-Motion Shit
This is an old story a co-worker related to me. He had a female respondent come in charged with public defecation, which is a (thankfully) pretty rare offense. Even weirder, there was a witness who had agreed to come in and testify against her.
Witness: I'm the head janitor at an elementary school. For the past month we've had a problem with piles of shit appearing on our baseball diamond. It'd be clean at night when I went home, but in the morning I'd come in and there'd be another pile. Finally, I got fed up and decided to hold a stake out to find out who was responsible. So I hid in the bushes with a camera. Sure enough, around midnight she showed up and I caught her! Look at these pictures! I caught her!
The witness' three pictures revealed somewhat-blurry stills of a bag lady. The first shot was her running out on the field, arms and legs frozen in an action pose. The second was of the same lady, pants down around her ankles, squatting on the baseball diamond. The third was another action shot of the respondent running away from a fresh pile left on the pitcher's mound.
Witness: I'm the head janitor at an elementary school. For the past month we've had a problem with piles of shit appearing on our baseball diamond. It'd be clean at night when I went home, but in the morning I'd come in and there'd be another pile. Finally, I got fed up and decided to hold a stake out to find out who was responsible. So I hid in the bushes with a camera. Sure enough, around midnight she showed up and I caught her! Look at these pictures! I caught her!
The witness' three pictures revealed somewhat-blurry stills of a bag lady. The first shot was her running out on the field, arms and legs frozen in an action pose. The second was of the same lady, pants down around her ankles, squatting on the baseball diamond. The third was another action shot of the respondent running away from a fresh pile left on the pitcher's mound.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
He had some epiphanies just now...
This one is from another prostitution hearing a coworker had just now. It was a sting operation involving a cop dressed up as a prostitute, and a respondent who was none too quick on the uptake. Some choice quotes:
Respondent: Yeah, I've been recoverin' from a lot of things lately. My need for blowjobs is holdin' me back.
Later, also during his testimony:
Respondent: Wait a minute! The police officer is guilty too! She was offerin' sex for money!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
The Ho Defense
While cross-examining a police officer who dressed as a prostitute during a hearing, a respondent tries a novel approach:
Respondent: Officer, was not your booty hanging out yo shorts? Was you not tryin' to look fine?
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