Recap: AIDS

Some of you may have seen this post before, but I'm reposting it here to ensure it is preserved for posterity... or something. One of my coworkers was signing some guy up for community service:

Coworker: Do you have any medical problems we should know about?

Respondant: I have AIDS.

After a short pause, he looks around, leans in, and adds:

Respondant: (in a low voice) ...not from gay shit, though.

Human-nitarian.

This case dates back to 2009. I had just started working for the City. A gentleman entered the room with a ticket alleging a code violation...

Respondent: Good afternoon, ma'am.

Prosecutor: Hi, do you have a ticket?

Respondent: Yes, ma'am. And I have my statement.

Prosecutor: ::Pause, with inquisitive look:: Okay, hand me what you have and have a seat. We'll call you in a minute.

::Respondent leaves, shuts door. Prosecutor searches for ticket, finds a match. Prosecutor then reads Respondent's statement. Mind you, the statement is in blue and purple glitter pen, and on taped together index cards in the form of a book. The statement is also from a 40 year old man. The following is part of said statement::

"I do not believe I am in violation of the municipal code. There was a violation of my rights as a human being. Part of justice is keep the City right. There was a violation of human rights here. The officers were rude. I was just (enter municipal code violation here) on City property. I was not killin' nobody. The officers harassed me and told me I was not a good person. My defense is that my rights were violated. The police officers were not human-nitarians. They violated my rights. The police officers were not human-nitarians."

Perhaps if the police officers had been a little more kind and stopped acting like aliens, and if these violations weren't strict liability violations, the Respondent wouldn't have had his rights as a human so horribly violated.

This is not justice...

My coworker tells a story of a Jamaican man who showed up at 10:00 AM for his 3:00 PM hearing. When the judge told him he had to wait until 3:00 for the police officer to show up, there was an outburst:

Man: Dis is not justice! Dis is sabatoge!

Later on, when his hearing actually happened, the man was accused of having a half-smoked joint in his car. His defense:

Man: If da police is gonna catch me wit marijuana, dey gonna find me wit way more than just one joint. I'm an herbalist! It is my culture!

Yes, this was his defense. My coworker thinks it's a pretty good one, at least compared to what we usually get.

Sneaky dashboard

Overheard during an "unlawful drugs in motor vehicle" hearing...

Respondent: You say you got a pill from my dashboard, huh?

Police officer: Yes, that's what I said. One small, white pill.

Respondent: Well, there's no way he could've done that because he planted --

City attorney: Objection.

Judge: Sir, you're going to have to ask a question.

Respondent: Yes, ma'am. So, officer, you couldn't have gotten that pill from my dashboard because you wrote me a ticket for excessive speed while backing and I have a bubble dashboard and anything on there woulda had-to-a slid off if I was going excessive speed --

City attorney: Your Honor, objection. He keeps making statements.

Judge: Sir, you have to ask questions. You'll have your turn to testify.

Respondent: Sorry, ma'am. So, officer, you pulled that pill outta your pocket and planted it on my dashboard, huh?

Let's start this off with a good one...

Hello readers that we don't yet have. This blog is a place for us to post hilarious stories from our frequently-hilarious workplace for public consumption. Please try to keep the pyramid schemes, lolcats, and naked pictures to a minimum. Unless you are hot.

To start us off, overheard during a prostitution hearing:

Decoy Prostitute: He offered me $10 for a blowjob.

Respondent: That's a lie! I don't even like blowjobs. My girlfriend's here. She'll tell ya.

Girlfriend: (Stands up at the back of the courtroom) Yeah! He don't even like blowjobs!