Dat azz

Yesterday during a prostitution hearing, the respondent found out that not only was the father of her child trying to pick up a prostitute in her car behind her back, but it was a transsexual prostitute. It only got worse from there:

Coworker: After he pulled up in his car, what did the man say to the prostitute?

Officer: He said verbatim,"How bout $20 for dat big ass?"

Judge: And what did you take "How about $20 for that big ass?" to mean?

Officer: Sex. Intercourse.

And that's when the cops swept in. "Get your hands off the tranny and slowly back away..."

She Lost Count

Today, one coworker reports talking to a woman on a cell phone ticket. The woman was trying her damndest to get out of paying, and in the middle of a her excuses:

Woman: I'm a mother of four. I mean three.

I might have told her, "If it was four kids, I'd have let you off. But three? That's one too few."

New Developments In Urination Technology

Today a coworker relates a story of a homeless man charged with public urination. The man explained that he's not guilty because he was peeing into a plastic bag, the same kind a newspaper comes in, and not onto the street. Thus it's not public urination. He pulled out a bag to demonstrate.

Hobo: You see, I pee into bag. Then, I dump bag into sewer. Then I throw bag out.

Coworker: Is that the bag you peed into?

Hobo: No, this one is for today.

In a moment of glorious irony, he won his hearing because the judge agreed with his argument that peeing into a bag is not 'in public'. So now you've got another option for when you really have to go but can't find a public bathroom. I call it the "Poor Man's Astronaut."

A Little Light Reading

You may recall, in my last post I mentioned that the respondent entered a book entitled "Just-Us or Justice? Is Racism Dead In America? Hell NO!" into the record. In its entirety. At the end of the trial, I thought this gem was gone forever, relegated to some manila envelope of evidence somewhere. You can imagine my surprise when it showed up in one of the back rooms today.

There was no choice. I had to read it.

The book is a rambling account of the author's travels between several major cities, and the various people and organizations that are out to get him. Almost everyone he encounters, it turns out, is out to get him - police, lawyers, judges, congresspeople, very small rocks, rich people, every landlord he's ever had, social workers, etc. His twin brother "Nadun Chider" features prominently. The author is particularly preoccupied with the fear that wealthy people will force him to sign up to be an organ donor or will just kill him and take his organs for themselves.

His juicy, delicious organs. Pardon my drooling.

He also recounts his various theological debates with the church-run charities that he receives food and clothing from. He keeps telling them about Yah Wah, creator of life, space, TIME, etc. But they just aren't listening. And at the end of the book there are several photos of apartments he lived in. For some reason.

I'm gonna give this one a B+ for actually being more entertaining than most fiction on the market these days. And, of course, it's not fiction. It's all true. Which makes it even better.

Semi-Righteous Indignation

One coworker relates a tale of an old hobo who was brought in on a drinking ticket. When he found out that the case would not be dismissed, he became agitated:

Respondent: You know what you doin' is wrong! You know people are dyin' out there because of what you do! You'll pay someday!

Coworker: Please calm down.

Respondent: And God will rain hellfire on your ass because of what you're doing today!

Coworker: Is that it?

Respondent: ...I'll take the community service.

Aww Hell No

Yesterday I had a public urination hearing. At trial, the respondent produced a book that he had written entitled "Just Us or Justice - Is Racism Dead In America? HELL No!" He showed it to the judge and insisted that the police had been targeting him because they didn't want his book to be published. He said that three different police districts were conspiring against him and that they had falsely accused him, beaten him, and planted drugs on his person. Then came the turning point:

Respondent: And besides, your honor. I really had to pee.

Priceless.

Picture This They Both Butt Naked

Two respondents were cited for indecent exposure with tickets that read "Above was observed exposing her breasts on the public way by the beach."

Respondent one was 51 and respondent two was SIXTY-NINE.

Happy V-Day

Court is closed today, due to Veteran's Day. Thanks, vets! But just to show that we're still thinking of all of you suckers who do have to work today, a snapshot from the archives of old tickets:

Ticket: Respondent committed disorderly conduct by throwing a catfish onto the ice at United Center during a Blackhawks game.

I wonder how he got it by security...

Who Says Crack Is A Bad Thing?

Today a woman came in today, obviously strung out on something amazing. My coworker says she blew through the conference room door with great speed, and while speaking to them she sat down and stood up again several times, and paced rapidly back and fourth. The minimum fine was $45, but she said repeatedly that "I ain't got that kinda money. I ain't got that kinda money." She ended up agreeing to pay, but the judge had already stepped off the bench for lunch, so she was told to come back in an hour.

My coworkers decided to go to a restaurant for lunch, and as they were walking down the street, they saw the same respondent dash across four lanes of traffic to a gas station, and then dash back across four lanes (no crosswalk, of course). She passed right in front of them without recognizing them at all.

When they got back after lunch, she was waiting in the courtroom.

Respondent: Did you take my papers up to the judge?

Coworker: Yes.

Respondent: Oh, I got that $45. (Removing a wad of money from her pocket and waving it around) I got that $45! I got that $45.

I don't even wanna know where the money came from.

Best Analogy Ever

Respondent: That's like me coming into your house and saying I don't like your pants so I'm going to give you a ticket. Then you say, "I was going to change my pants."

Drunk & Hilarious

While reviewing a ticket, I came across a gem. The narrative cites a person for disorderly conduct at a bar. The narrative starts with a basic statement which explains that the man was cited for disorderly conduct at said bar, and goes on to say...

"He then grabbed the microphone and said, 'Fuck this place, everybody throw your drinks!!'"

Who in their right mind would throw their (undoubtedly expensive) drink(s) at the behest of a drunkard, I don't know. Also, the 1st Amendment does not protect this kind of speech. This guy should be careful.

Subtle Distinctions

While speaking to a respondent who got a ticket for skateboarding in a prohibited area:

Coworker: It's true that skateboarding is not a crime. It is, however, a municipal violation.

America's Next Top Respondent

A man came in today with a ticket for riding his bike against the flow of traffic. He insisted that he had been hit by a car, knocked unconscious, and discovered the ticket when he woke up.

Respondent: So when I woke up in the ambalamps, the ticket was sittin' on my chest.

Me: Right on your chest? The paramedics didn't like, move it or anything?

Respondent: Yeah! (ripping his shirt open) I got staples in my neck and stitches on my face. I used to be pretty! Now I ain't pretty anymore.

Prosecuting The Prosecutor

A coworker tells this one. He was giving a closing argument and ended with something like "we ask that the respondent be found liable." Then the respondent got to give his closing argument:

Respondent: I ask that the city be found liable, because this is bulllllllshit.

Police Reports

It's a slow day today so I decided to post the money quotes from one of our favorite police reports, a copy of which is taped to one of the file cabinets. This is from a DUI case. The cops pulled this guy over, and he goes crazy:

Respondent: I'm not drunk. I'm SUPER F*ING DRUNK!

Later on in the report:

Respondent: I WILL KILL YOU ALL!

The Cyclist

I called a man back for the most trivial charge of all: riding a bicycle on the sidewalk. He said he was just sitting on the bike, not riding it, and that he had a witness who would back him up. I called her back to see what she really had to say:

Me: Okay so what happened at the time this ticket was written?

Witness: Pssht, he was ridin' on his bike.

Several seconds of silence as I look from one to the other, expecting some sort of explanation.

Me: Okay then, we'll have your hearing in just a minute...

Needless to say, I won that one.